“Always Free and Worth Every Penny”
The City Council of North, South Carolina decided New York City Mayor Bloomberg’s plan to address obesity with a ban large size sugary drinks just did not go far enough – they have announced a plan to ban all sex in their town.
North, South Carolina – located 90 miles southeast of Due West, SC – has not always been at the forefront of social change but Mayor East, speaking at a packed house at Laird’s BBQ Pit, provided the Friday Thoughts news team with an exclusive interview
Friday Thoughts: Mayor East, this is a very extreme step – can you explain your logic?
Mayor East: Obesity is a major problem and, no disrespect to Mayor Bloomberg ….but we believe simply banning large size soft drinks will not have any impact on obesity. Besides, people in NY are already pretty good at smuggling coke.
We decided to get serious and carefully studied a wide range of options
FT: Such as…..
East: …… banning foods with high fat content: Krispy Kreme Donuts, fried apple pies, fried chicken, fried pork rinds, whole head sausage…. and even Moon Pies !!! But we decided we just could not do that…..
FT: Why ??
East: Can you imagine?? Folks would never put up with such government intrusion on their personal lives! That would be like telling them they must have health insurance! Besides – we don’t have a Whole Foods here yet – how can you eat healthy without Whole Foods ??
FT: yes, that does seem to take things a bit far…..
East: We thought we might copy San Francisco and ban foie gras. But it failed in Chicago …. And we don’t think anyone here was eating it any way. We did seriously consider banning cable TV.
FT: cable TV ???
East: Well yes, instead of getting up and going to their Yoga and Pilates classes to stay healthy, everyone is sitting on the couch watching Troy Landry on Swamp People or Phil Robertson on Duck Dynasty. Cable TV is a big problem….
FT: So why didn’t you ban Cable TV
East: Too intrusive – it just seemed like the government has no right telling people they can’t watch TV. We thought about banning couches – but we realized folks would just sit on the floor – it’s hard to tell people what to do……
FT: Yes it is…..
FT: Why cell phones??
East: People are sitting in their chairs and calling and texting folks that are in the same house ….or even the same room ! With the old land line phones at least you had to get out of the chair to answer it.
FT: Why did you decide not to ban cell phones ?
East: We realized that government might not have the right to ban certain types of communication. Besides there are new apps of how to choose low fat fried chicken or Lite Moon Pies….and most people get some exercise when they play Angry Birds.
FT: You have a point there…..
East: We tested a new approach to reducing people’s appetite – we asked a group of residents to watch 2 hours of campaign ads before each meal – people quickly become nauseous and lost their appetite after just a few ads.
FT: That’s interesting…..
East: But we found it was too dangerous when we expanded the content – we had a small group watch the John Edwards trial last week. But it made people very sick – it is too cruel to make people watch that stuff. We also considered free cigarettes…..
FT: What ??!!
East: Hey – it is proven to reduce appetite !!
FT: But the other health risks are proven and so high.
East: Look I work for the government – do we have a track record of considering the consequences of a particular program??? This program reduces obesity. If we have other issues we can just introduce another program.
FT: Good point ….so why didn’t you go ahead with the plan ?
East: The same reason Bloomberg is banning Big Gulp instead of Camels …. Taxes !! We would have lost so much tax revenue. We know cigarettes are bad for you but we need the tax revenue.
FT: That’s pretty cynical….
East: Why do you think Bloomberg did not ban alcohol? Lots of health issues from alcohol!
FT: I think we tried Prohibition – but it did not work……
East: Exactly – and taxes…… Given Bloomberg’s concern for the health of New Yorkers, I have an idea for him – restrict the size of cigarettes and ban hard liquor. Allow only short cigarettes and wine and beer …. Maybe he did not think of that…. I should give him a call.
FT: I am sure he is waiting to hear from you – so what did the City Council of North decide to do ?
East: We decided to ban all sex in North !
FT: Banning sex – that is certainly unconventional -help our readers understand that decision
East: Studies have shown that the biggest issues start in childhood
FT: Yes, but how does banning sex address childhood obesity ??
East: Our studies show that most children are the result of sex….. if we ban sex then we won’t have children and then they can’t be obese. It is really quite simple.
FT: So you plan to eliminate children in order to eliminate obesity ??!
East: Yes. We thought about banning beer and that would eliminate most sex here, but we decided to go directly to the root cause.
FT: Why not just encourage birth control?
East: Are you kidding? And get the Catholic Church fighting us ? Don’t you know anything about politics?
FT: But isn’t this a major intrusion on personal rights – does government have any right to be in the bedrooms of America?
East: Obesity is a major problem and, as you can see, the government of North has studied this very carefully. It is the same as seat belt laws – people once fought against seat belts because they restricted personal freedom. Sometimes government just knows better and has to step in and make the right decisions for people.
FT : How will you enforce this ban ?
East: That is a technicality we will leave to the police. We can learn from New York on how they keep people from drinking a large Mountain Dew.
FT: How are your citizens reacting to this proposed ban?? They must be outraged…..
East: No not at all – When we started the study there were a few men worried that we would find that guns caused obesity. We could not find conclusive evidence – so no gun controls – they are happy.
FT: what about others ?? They must be very upset…….
East: Actually most people are OK with the ban.. They tell us that as long as they have their cell phone, Swamp People, beer and Krispy Kreme donuts they really don’t need sex.
FT: That about sums it up – Thank You
Have a great weekend !!
Interesting unrelated facts:
– There are no English words that rhyme with purple, silver, month or orange.
– An ambigram is a word that reads the same when turned upside down – “SWIMS”, “NOON”
– Aerosmith’s song Walk This Way was inspired by a scene in Young Frankenstein by Gene Wilder and Mel Brooks