“Vacuus Ullus Sententia vel Sane”
The world is in shock this morning. WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange’s first act after being released on bail in the UK has been to release Santa’s Secret Naughty and Nice list. The highly sensitive list is obviously Santa’s private working document. It provides astounding insights into his personal views.
Santa responded to the release this morning through a spokes elf – “We have made adjustments in our Christmas list for Mr. Assange and all his associates”In the spirit of open journalism we reprint a portion of the list:
- Pretend Journalists everywhere – Naughty – for publishing stolen documents released by WikiLeaks and pretending it is journalism Present – continued rapid decline of print advertising spending
- George Bush – Still Naughty – for attempting to redeem himself too soon – and not saying “oops” in “Decision Points” Present – 2 hour interview with Rachel Maddow
- Johnny Knoxville – Naughty and Stupid- for making Jack Ass 3D – worst movie for 2010 – Read one 9th grade level book in 2011
- Paul Krugman – Naughty and Annoying – would someone please shut this guy up?? The least he could do is not write the same @#!& column every week.- Hard drive crash and hand palsy for 2 months
- Andrés Iniesta – Very nice – His goal finally stopped that incredibly irritating vuvuzela noise at the world cup- 2 magic goals for 2011.
- Rey Decegera – Nice – gave the President a busted lip, which he deserved after shoving the health care bill down America’s throat- Four 3 pointers in the next game with the President (if you are invited back)
- Ben Bernanke – not sure yet – will know for sure in about 10 years- low inflation – but just 1 more year
- Wall Street Bankers – Naughty 5X ! – unbelievable greed AND stupidity – record bonuses after you hosed the world and were bailed out by taxpayers?! Really??- IRS audits and no squash for 2 years
- Mark Zuckerburg – Naughty AND Nice – naughty because teenage girl high school graduation rates will drop in half. Nice because I can keep up with friend and family (except my high school girlfriend who REALLY wants to meet for lunch) – Google remains distracted by launching new unrelated business
- Larry King – Nice ! – for finally deciding to retire – just like the last 25 years, another pair of ugly suspenders
- Lady Gaga – Nice – refreshing and fun costumes and music- 20 pounds of raw beef and gift certificate to Lens Crafters
- Nancy Pelosi – naughty, naughty, naughty – A series of bad bills, annoying voice and refusing to step down when her party got its butt kicked in the election – 5 hours locked in a room with Rush Limbaugh
- Jim Joyce – Very Nice – admitting he was wrong – big man, big heart – Does not have to call any games for the Yankees for 2 years
- Brett Favre – Naughty – acting like a teenager with a camera phone – re-retire 4 more years – 20 interceptions and 20 sacks
- Kim Jong-il – Naughty, Naughty – but probably suffering from Kim Chi overload, that stuff would make me crazy too – No Gilligan’s Island or Hogan’s Heroes reruns for 1 year
- LeBron James – Naughty – incredibly narcissistic career announcement – expected more class and respect to Cavalier owner Dan Gilbert – losing season for Miami Heat
- Tiger Woods – Really Naughty – again – – 25 missed putts – all under 10 feet; continued paparazzi harassment for 2 more years
- Karen Owen – Very Naughty – never kiss and tell- this was too much – what is it in the water down there at Duke?? – No internet access for 1 year
- Dave Talley – Very Nice – for reminding us all what honesty is….. and reminding us to not judge someone’s character by their personal circumstances – Does anyone on Wall Street know who he is ?? They should hire him… but he would not last – he is an honest man. – a warm home and a rewarding job
- Eyjafjallajökull, – Very Nice – forced all those type A globetrotters to chill for a few days – 1 more eruption in 2011
- Greece – Very Nice – proving that governments can spend too much money – hoping the politicians in US, UK, Spain, Ireland are paying attention – Low interest rate on Greek bonds for 3 years
- Black-eyed Peas – Nice – for “I Gotta Feeling” and “Rock that Body” – love that beat! – 2 more hit singles in 2011
- Steve Jobs – Very Nice – I have Apple stock in my 401(k) – and faking the loss of an iPhone 4 prototype before launch – that was great! – Android worldwide virus for 2 weeks
- Prince William and Kate Middleton – for giving us all something exciting to look forward to in 2011and reinforcing the value of marriage as an institution(?) – many happy years together – no paparazzi for 1 week (best I can do)
- Friday Thoughts – Naughty and Stupid – for wasting people’s time each Friday with relentless, and pathetic attempts to say something interesting, insightful or funny.
– no Friday Thoughts for 2 weeks – 8 hours of budget review meetings
No thinking for the next 2 weeks – see you in January !
Have a great holiday break !
Interesting Unrelated facts
– You can track Santa’s via NORAD with a new iPhone app
– Claxton Fruitcake has been a holiday tradition since 1910. In fact, I think the cake my dad made me eat as a kid was made in 1910.
– Christmas Tree Facts – The first decorated Christmas tree was in Riga, Latvia in 1510. The first Christmas tree retail lot in the United States was started in 1851 in New York.
- “Santa Claus” donated over $100K to a local Salvation Army in Missouri